Thirty years ago you were half way through the worst years of your life. Seeped in drugs and alcohol you really didn't know where you were going or what you wanted in life. You were 17, graduated from high school (by some miracle, by senior year you hardly went to school), moved out of your home and living with your boyfriend. What happened?
9th Grade Earl B. Wood Jr. High 1978 |
You should really take that mustard seed of faith you were given and let it grow, but somehow it just got buried, not to emerge for years and years.
The next move just a year later to other side of the beltway, Mum did what she needed to do. Yes subsidized housing, Dad couldn't help, could barely help himself, again not your fault. Yes, a very different culture than the quaint neighborhoods in New England but really would things have been different if you had stayed?
Christmas 1980? |
OK, so there's more I'd like to tell you. Don't hitch-hike! Yes, those were different times, but really so dangerous, do you know how protected you were, God was preserving you, but really did you have to? Read more books, please, you could have learned so much, so much sooner. Find and befriend the nice people, what was it with you and all the kids on the fringe of society? I'm glad you didn't try to fit in but really, did you have to go so far the other way? Don't let lack of finances stop you from going to college! You could have finished the 4 year degree, really. Smile more, yes crooked teeth and all.
There is a strange irony, that probably isn't too uncommon, going on under it all. You are terribly insecure, don't think much of your self or you abilities, yet you are also very proud, afraid to ask for help or to be inquisitive. It's an awful combination. Please don't be afraid to ask questions and be curious about finding truth.
I can't go back and stop you from leaving home at 17 and bringing your boyfriend with you. There are lasting regrets and repercussions I won't go into here. But just know that boy does grow up and eventually gets his act together and just last year, 29 years later, sought you out to say he was sorry. And you said you were sorry too.
I wish I could tell you it gets better after he leaves, but it doesn't. I can't stop you from searching for love in all the wrong places or from chasing one high after another. But it never satisfies. You really believed that if the right guy, and you were pretty specific about who the right guy would be, would choose you then you'd be happy.
You eventually reach bottom and start to dig your way out of the deep dark woods, but not before having a baby out of wed lock. That baby boy, wow, he changes your life, helps get you thinking about the future. He's doing great by the way. An amazing young man! And his father, well he said he was sorry too.
Clueless Mama |
That searching for love in all the wrong places, it doesn't really stop there. You gave up the drugs and drinking, a big step in the right direction, and even became a mother. You have a few more years though. Eventually you find a sweet man, perfect for you, kind and gentle, and you get married. Not exactly happily ever after, there are trials and sorrows, but you're still with him and will be ever after because you are committed. Happily is a choice we make and I have to make it every day. You are mother to 5 children that God has seen fit to entrust to you, for just a little while, young souls to raise. Two are mostly raised, one is almost there, and the last two, well they have a ways to go. But I'm getting off track.
Wedding Day 1991 |
Lake Anne 2011 Front Row Anna, Ruth, Sam, Ryan, Michael and Michael's girlfriend Maggie |
Dear Me 30 Years Ago,
Somehow in God's economy all the taking you did to try to fill up that hole, all the selfishness of trying to make your self happy, it was wrong. It served a purpose in some odd way though, because when you look back you see how desperately you need a Savior.
Just the same, I wish I could go back and save you from it all a little sooner, tell the 15 year old me, tell you in a way that you really get it, that there is only one perfect lover. And that He is the lover of your soul not just your body. And he'll take you just the way you are, crooked teeth, insecurities, fears and failures.
You will find that out, but it takes about ten more years. The Hound of Heaven pursues you and you keep running away. Finally though your heart is captured. And thus begins the real journey, one of dying to self for a greater joy. You've been given an eternal hope and all those wasted years are redeemed. Praise the Lord.